Opening rant

This seems like such a crazy thing to do. I mean, why would I think that anyone on the Net would be interested in what I have to say? I've just been getting overwhelmed lately, unable to connect with anyone IRL. Normally when I get this frustrated and overwhelmed, I go write in my journal and I feel better. But the biggest thing I'm battling at the moment is feeling like a horrible person. Self-loathing isn't a new concept for me, but this is different somehow. I have people in my life that make me feel worse about myself, and while I know I shouldn't let them get under skin, there they are. Unfortunately I have to have them in my life, much as I would like to go back to not having them a constant presence, because it's important that my daughter Athena have family members in her life.

There is of course a huge backstory to the preamble, but at some stage I guess I'll fill it in. Being the mum of a living child and a dead child has something to do with it; a childhood of sexual abuse has something to do with it; having a dead mother has something to do with it. All of these aspects of me and more mean that I have difficulty connecting with other people. I hate that events in my life control me, and I try to be better, move past it, be a stronger, better, kinder, more open, more empathetic person, get over my son's death, try not to let other people get under my skin, try to move past my fears and my heartache so I don't lose friends, try to let other people in, try to not let my past influence my future, but there are just too many things to control, to do, to try to be, that I feel like I just end up failing in everything.

I would (and probably should) write more, but my little girl needs me. She is the one thing that I don't let anyone question - I do the very best I can by her, and while I know I will make mistakes, I don't seem to have done anything too bad yet. Course, she's only eight months old, so there's plenty of time to inflict my own damage on her, but I hope with every breath in me that it's nothing that will impact her too negatively. I don't want her to have my issues.