Divorce & Health

This last week, a local radio personality posted a blog her daughter had written, which discussed how hard she found her parents' divorce, and how she thought it would be so much more traumatic to deal with as a child.  I still scoff when I hear people refer to divorce as traumatic.  I think my parents divorcing when I was 12 was one of the best things to happen to me (even if the timing could have been a bit better, it was still a good birthday present).  If they hadn't divorced, I would have continued to be raised in a household that normalised incest and where I was little more than a sexual plaything to my father and brother.  Even growing up, I was never close to my brother - he always frightened me a little, and when I as 11, he blackmailed me into sexual acts.  Probably why I'm having a hard time with making a real effort to re-connect with him now, but there is a <i>lot</i> of history there.

One of my strongest memories of my brother is of him wrapping his hands around my throat and strangling me.  I have no idea what I'd done to trigger that response, and I don't remember if it was a one-off or he did it more than once.  To this day, I hate wearing proper turtlenecks because of it, though.  These are the things my sister is asking me to "forgive and forget".

Anyway, my point was that there are worse things than having your parents divorce.  If mine hadn't divorced, I would not have gotten away from my father's sick way of seeing the world. where fucking your brother is better than exploring sexual relationships as a normal part of growing up.  Where sexual acts and watching porn with your father are normalised.  Their divorce gave me some room to breath, to think for myself, and realise that what my father was doing was wrong.  It ultimately led to his arrest and the fragmentation of my family, but I have worked hard not to blame myself for that.  He was the one who sexually abused us, even though my sister tried to guilt me out of testifying against him, and even though my brother and sister had very little to do with me for years afterward.

No wonder I'm fucked up.

Health wise .... I've been a bit stressed about my health, actually.  I've started monitoring my blood pressure, as the chest pressure / discomfort / pain has come back over the last month and a half.  Probably had something to do with March - March has not been the best month for me as the 29th is Alex's anniversary.  But I've had a mix of normal readings, and some pretty scary readings (150/90 was the highest).  I really should get in to see the doctor, but I've been dealing with the chest discomfort off and on for the last two years, been to a cardiologist, had a stress echo, and been told that everything is fine. I don't want to go to the doctor again and end up getting mocked, told it's all in my head, or that I have nothing to worry about.  So I wait.  But I also don't want to end up dying of a heart attack or worse, disabled due to a stroke.  I could give up on my own life easily enough, but the thought of not being there for my kids breaks my heart.  There are certain aspects of life that are harder without a mother, and I don't want to take their mother away from them.  There are so many things I still want to do with them, and wear and tear on my heart from untreated high blood pressure will shorten my life.  So I better get off my ass and make a doctor's appointment.

Guess we'll see how I get on. For now, I should get some work done on this paper.